Monthly Archives: July 2010

From one of the best vandals going:


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Mans best friend? Pfft. Bliss is all mine.

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It is kinda like watching your drunk Uncle dance at a family wedding. But for once, you want to join in.

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Things I Learnt Whilst Travelling.

Don’t believe a boy when they say “It’s not offensive to women”. Ping Pong shows in Bangkok are offensive to women, but not nearly as offensive as the promise of a free drink which turns out to be beer (no), flat Coke (no) and water. Ping Pong shows will also be offensive to the poor deaf German girl we took along with our group who had no idea what your sign language communication meant. Luckily, females have iron stomachs and an intimate understanding of what their bodies are capable of containing so when you boys were sitting there about to be ill, the girls were in deep thought wondering exactly how that got in there?!

Don’t believe your trekking guide when he tells you that it’s water you are drinking. If it doesn’t taste like water, isn’t in a water bottle and has you on your backside two hours later playing foot wrestles with the other boys then you aren’t drinking water. And you should listen more closely to your girlfriend. It also makes you think that smoking bits of tree is a legitimate form of smoking. No, breaking off a tree branch is nothing like nicotine. Or marijuana.

You can never give too much back to a community. If someone wishes to pay the bag carrier a certain amount of money to carry their bag on a three day trek, let them. Otherwise they’ll die from excessive ‘turtling’ and you’ll die from having to listen to the constant whine and bitching that will follow. Just because you wanna wear the same clothes for three days doesn’t mean someone else loses all sense of hygiene.

Upgrades are easy. And sneaking into the pool of the 5 star hotel is easy. Don’t wear your bum shorts and make sure there is a clutch of expensive looking drinks in your cabana at all times. Also helpful to not shout things like “Wish our place had this shit!” nor is it always good to ask how to get back out. They look confuse when you try to leave a hotel in wet clothes.

People who say they are hitmen are sometimes telling the truth. So that guy you are talking to about ‘hitmen stuff’ whilst your girlfriend prances around with a bunch of bikies in an afro-style wig is most probably a fucking hitman. You were only warned 50 million fucking times. Its not funny when you tell him to pull out his blade and it is really not funny being bailed out of a pub on the back of an over-crowded tuktuk because that guy you were talking to his completely lost his shit. Not funny.

Your passport serves a purpose. When you ‘misplace’ it in a Shenzen mega mall it really is a bit of a pain. On the Chinese black market a passport like yours is worth its weight in gold, losing it does not make you a giver however. It’s never good when you actually have a diplomat friend on speed dial checking out options “just in case”. You always recieve severe punishment after it is found. The special privilege of an afternoon in stores of everyone elses choice. Goodbye Apple, hello Lanvin, Balenciaga and the magical, magical tailors.

If they aren’t a bartender, they shouldn’t mix drinks by eye. That G&T will fast turn into a gin shooter. Your Dad will call right after you finish your fourth round and he’ll ask you if you are still suffering from all the flights and moving countries. LIE. Say yes. Because there is nothing like an angry Dad who knows how his cousin mixes drinks. This is knowledge that is supposedly ingrained at birth.

Always remember what tomorrows plans are. It is never a wise move to test the pimply 15 year old in DB 7-11 to see if he is good at responsible service of alcohol. The kid is working the late shift and probably enjoys watching you pretend you are on a skateboard, trying to kick flip off a bench seat and landing on your face. Never follow this up with double shots of black Galliano. Try and call it a night sometime before daylight has well and truly broken and the knocks on your door for Church have started.

Always be polite to new people. This follows from the above. Avoid being late for appointments such as Church. Don’t whimper when introduced to the congregation and don’t make smutty references to the night before when your buddy has the glass of Port up to his face. Priest won’t like it. Neither will the buddy who will snort Port down his front. Try avoid upchucking your last night out the side of the golf buggy as the rest of your family drives off waving at the lovely people (not me, it was A).

Be dressed for all occasions at once. When you get off the plane you may be whisked off to a fancy cocktail party high in the mountainous DB region. All women will be wearing Marni and even if your leggings are Sass & Bide, they are still knitted black and white leggings with massive fans on the back. And look like they’ve spent a long time on a plane. On the upside, Sass & Bide made a fortune in foreign orders thanks to your hobo chic plane attire.

People can surprise you, whenever. That amazing, beautiful stunning rockstar who showed you through Hong Kong will be your friend long after you part ways. You’ll talk on the phone once a month, you’ll receive stupid little ditty vlogs from him direct from his country home in Bath. He’ll prove that he is in fact friends (and collaborative partners) with Pete Doherty. And owns one of Keith Richards guitars. You’ll fall in total love with him as you sit singing the B52 duet ‘Funplex’ late one night in a courtyard. You’ll make up actions as you go. And you become pleasantly surprised at how refreshing new lifelong friends can be.

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